Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

   Chicken pot pie.... the three things I love the most

   Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman. You're reading this in my voice aren't you?

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.

   has discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken! So I guess there is no point bothering with hash browns then

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   Why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday, i'm just gonna come out and say it #ALLFRIDAYSMATTER

   real friends stab you in the front.

   "Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States

   your father's brother's nephew's cousin's sister's uncle's brother's friend's second cousin's former roommate on your mothers side.

   I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

   The Only good thing that can come from a kim kardashian song, is a kim kardashian music video!

   My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   hopes that after I die, people will say of me: "Man... that guy sure owed me a lot of money."

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   Has come to the conclusion that fruit-loops are just gay cheerios. =)

   I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

   I'm sending my friends Justin Beiber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.