Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   Pig: (noun) 1. Animal used for converting plants into bacon.

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   wishing everyone a happy holiday. If your not sure what holiday it is just google March 14th.

   Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.