Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   Here's hoping that the new Star Wars trailer results in the Princess Leia metal binki costume trend coming back.

   I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going.

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   I'd like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!

   *Leonardo Dicapreo goes up to accept oscar* *pulls out speech* *blows dust off of it* Yes I'd like to thank the directors of titanic for th-

   There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   Yes, Fuckery Dept.? I'd like to file a claim.

   I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".

   If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.