Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...

   "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".

   Pamela Anderson looked so confused on Dancing With The Stars. I don't beleive she has ever danced without a pole before.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.

   When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can't now though, there are surveillance cameras now.

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   I went line dancing last night ...well it was a roadside sobriety test..same thing

   I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on

   what happens in vegas never happens to me

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!

   GIRL LOGIC: maybe if I wear this shirt that shows my boobs i'll meet a nice guy who wants me For my personality

   I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store??