Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

   Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.

   Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

   I swear if my memory gets any worse, i'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

   If this shutdown takes place, I say we get our troops home. Deploy the politicians. They're the ones getting paid, so let THEM leave their families and put their lives at risk every day. They would all be killed within 24 hours and then we can start over!

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...

   "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".

   Pamela Anderson looked so confused on Dancing With The Stars. I don't beleive she has ever danced without a pole before.

   Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.

   When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring a dozen eggs, bag of candy, gallon of milk, a box of tea and potato chips. I can't now though, there are surveillance cameras now.

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   I went line dancing last night ...well it was a roadside sobriety test..same thing

   I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   what happens in vegas never happens to me

   Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!