Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.

   "911, What is your emergency?" "2 girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning"

   “A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”

   would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.

   Dear skinny gym girls... exercise and yoga pants don't fix ugly.

   Taylor Swift is the new relationship advice columnist for Seventeen magazine. That's like trying to cure aids with more aids.

   What's that movie where Joe Pesci plays the short tempered little tough guy?

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   dear lady in the store yelling at your child, take a time out and comb the snakes in your hair, it is time for you to defeat the kraken

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   Paul McCartney is going to be pissed when he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.....

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   A man buys a box of tampons for his old lady, and the cashier asks, "Do you want me to put these in the bag". The man replies, "No, I think she can do it by herself."

   just heard Justin Bieber was in a car accident.... He is okay but he did break his hymen.

   attempting to give a damn

   I had a McRib today. My toilet just waved a white flag.

   Random thought of the day: if you're late for Special Education class is it okay for the teacher to call you tardy??

   applied for a job at Hooter's today. The manager handed me a bra and said, "Here, fill this out."