Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.

   .... OK ... Let me get this straight ... The best way to honor a poor dude who got shot by cops is smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 7's .... Did I get this correct?

   That moment you realize 200+ rioters will be getting slapped with a felony and lose their right to vote. LOL

   Not going to debate gun control with people who eat laundry soap and don't know which bathroom to use.

   saving a lot on his child support by switching to condoms.

   I don't do cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

   I don't see why people are so against gay marriage. I don't have a problem with it. Their main argument is that gay marriage would tear the social fabric. Do you think gays would do anything to harm fabric?

   Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   To a man, the sweetest sound on Earth is the sexual moan of the woman he's pleasuring!

   I think we need someone to run next term who will campaign on getting rid of the electoral vote and let the people decide who is to be our president.

   Deer Jesse James, Thank You. From, Tiger Woods

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try dribbling a football

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   If you don't like my words, don't listen. If you don't like my appearance, don't look. If you don't like my actions, turn your head; It's as simple as that.

   happier than Richard Simmons running backwards through a cornfield!

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.

   what does the Vikings football team and the Metradome have in common? They both collapsed under pressure this year