Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear ugly people find love faster.

   I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.

   Stop undressing me with your eyes...use your teeth

   NJ Gov Christie has cancelled Halloween… people are being asked to send any previously purchased Candy to the Office of the Governor.

   apparently my new girlfriends natural hair color is bald...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   Women! They assume everything but the position.

   I love you more than I hate everyone else.

   There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.

   Justin Timberlake's grown a beard. We get it, Justin. You're edgy. Now get back to writing songs about how a girl made you cry

   I wish they would quit interupting the commercials with this lame football game!

   mexican word for the day: "Herpes". Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   I'm sorry, I don't find you arousing. No hard feelings.

   canceling my subscription!! I'm tired of your issues.

   Forget about sexy, I am bringing good manners back!

   Tips on falling in love: Don't

   Dennis Rodman now has more international relations experience than most of Congress. Let that sink in for a minute.

   Have you ever slept so hard that you worry about whether or not the creases on your face will go away?