Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dad always tried to warn me that if I continued to play with the stapler while naked I would eventually be bored enough to try stapling things that should not be stapled. For well over 30 years I proved Dad wrong. Today, however, he was finally right.

   My friend called me a fatty today... If I wasen't busy eating my fried twinkie I would of slapped him

   Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.

   Justin Bieber is being accused of assault on a 12 year old while playing laser tag.... He's FINALLY got the street cred he needed... 'bout time ;)

   I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it

   I wonder why I always feel like I have to press the Enter Key really hard and noisy??

   Somewhere in this world my second wife is in 9th grade.

   developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   Hugh Hefner, 84, Engaged to Playmate, 24? Yeah, that makes sense.

   misses the days when someone could watch an actual music video on MTV. I also miss the days when we didn't have to watch a 60 sec ad that loads oh so fast, but what the video we want to watch will take another 3 minutes.

   has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?

   Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

   Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   World Cup Finals... Its Heineken vs. Sangria. screw it, lets get drunk!

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   When you have a cat....you never poop alone.