Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call it stalking, I call it stalking. SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU

   When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

   f you don't know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings: then Planetary Settings: then Trajectory: then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quiet.

   I think it's cute to see the Canuckians and Yanks argue. Admit it,you both love this rivalry. You'd share a Labatts and a Bud anyday.Congrats, Canada but it was close.

   relationship status as changed from " It's complicated " to "is in a relationship but the wife doesn't know"

   Alright STOP.......pajama time! ;)

   Dad always tried to warn me that if I continued to play with the stapler while naked I would eventually be bored enough to try stapling things that should not be stapled. For well over 30 years I proved Dad wrong. Today, however, he was finally right.

   My friend called me a fatty today... If I wasen't busy eating my fried twinkie I would of slapped him

   Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.

   Justin Bieber is being accused of assault on a 12 year old while playing laser tag.... He's FINALLY got the street cred he needed... 'bout time ;)

   I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it

   I wonder why I always feel like I have to press the Enter Key really hard and noisy??

   Somewhere in this world my second wife is in 9th grade.

   developed a car that runs on water! Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   Hugh Hefner, 84, Engaged to Playmate, 24? Yeah, that makes sense.

   misses the days when someone could watch an actual music video on MTV. I also miss the days when we didn't have to watch a 60 sec ad that loads oh so fast, but what the video we want to watch will take another 3 minutes.

   has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   I wonder how people would react if I walked in Sea World with a fishing pole?!?