Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)

   I smashed my finger today, "just glad it wasn't my "Have a nice day" finger

   Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS. 

   My father taught me a lot of things, however, the most important thing he taught me was how to be a great dad. A close second is how to have a conversation with someone for a half an hour even though you can't remember their name or anything else

   No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

   My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a 'D' It vibrates It's a girl's best friend I'm pretty certain I know exactly what she's getting at. A new dishwasher.

   It is impossible to unscrew a blown light bulb and not shake it to make sure you hear little pieces bouncing around!! I've tried, I can't!!

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ

   I'm sorry, but please explain to me how the hell someone does REHAB from their OWN home?

   Next up on espn , womans soc... click.

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   *1 friend request* (250 mutual friends) “…I still don't know you ...

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Shark Week

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn website in ur address bar smh

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea