Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."

   never teach your 4 year old that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words - we are now sitting down to watch Winne The Sh!t

   Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”

   This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   So you call yourself an adult but I bet you can't sleep with the closet door open just a little bit because you think someone might be looking at you like the boogieman.

   Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)

   I smashed my finger today, "just glad it wasn't my "Have a nice day" finger

   Turkey✓, Stuffing✓, Mashed potatoes✓, Pumpkin pie✓.... Pajama Jeans to stuff my fat ass in: PRICELESS. 

   My father taught me a lot of things, however, the most important thing he taught me was how to be a great dad. A close second is how to have a conversation with someone for a half an hour even though you can't remember their name or anything else

   No! for the last time stop asking if I am drunk… I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

   My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a 'D' It vibrates It's a girl's best friend I'm pretty certain I know exactly what she's getting at. A new dishwasher.

   It is impossible to unscrew a blown light bulb and not shake it to make sure you hear little pieces bouncing around!! I've tried, I can't!!

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ

   I'm sorry, but please explain to me how the hell someone does REHAB from their OWN home?

   Next up on espn , womans soc... click.

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   *1 friend request* (250 mutual friends) “…I still don't know you ...