Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put the o in illiterate.

   It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever

   By marrying his girlfriend, Mark Zuckerburg finally updated his status to "Married" while his girlfriend changed her status to "Billionaire"!

   Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”

   This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   So you call yourself an adult but I bet you can't sleep with the closet door open just a little bit because you think someone might be looking at you like the boogieman.

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   Dyslexics better do it.

   Fact: rihanna's face is 74% forehead

   I haven't posted "what's on my mind" since I "used my mind" and found a site that could do it for me (:

   "Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!

   "There should be a body shop called Auto Correct."

   never teach your 4 year old that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words - we are now sitting down to watch Winne The Sh!t