Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   I seen a Lady driving a 18 wheeler on the highway today..Thought to my self.. Thats a funny looking kitchen..

   You call today, "4/20 day". Us in the police world call it, "I'm gonna search the f__ out of your Honda Civic Day"

   Today, we celebrate to all the chicks that said "leave it in"

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   My recycling guy knows 2 things about me... I don't recycle very often and I like beer.

   I put the o in illiterate.

   It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever

   By marrying his girlfriend, Mark Zuckerburg finally updated his status to "Married" while his girlfriend changed her status to "Billionaire"!

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   Hey, guy that puts the stickers on fruit....NOBODY likes you.

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   Dyslexics better do it.

   Fact: rihanna's face is 74% forehead

   I haven't posted "what's on my mind" since I "used my mind" and found a site that could do it for me (:

   "Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!