Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

   Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   This conversation is going nowhere. I thinks it's time I move to the land of Smile and Nod.

   see ladies, it's easy to get ahead in life. Just marry a surgeon and screw a General...

   Twice. The number of times you have to ask me if I'm sure I'm okay before I stop being okay.

   Sunday = The day of the week to sit around and absolutely do nothing all day and no one judges you for it.

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.

   Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.

   gets the feeling that I need coffee more than coffee will ever need me.

   I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.

   Ladies: A man's superpower is to tell you everything you want to hear.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

   If you've ever refused to finish a drink because "it didn't taste good" even though it had alcohol in it I'm not sure we can be friends.

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   I spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings