Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Waht if we just throw some pretty-colord marshmellows in with some cat food?" ~ Invetors of Lucky Charms

   One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.

   The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   I thought my life was miserable until I saw yours.

   I don't recall any NFL fans ever crying in their beer about no 3rd world fans showing up for the tailgate party.

   Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   Keep your feelings away from me.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   Looked all over and found no eggs,they were stacked neatly in a carton ,uncolored in the fridge...well played Easter bunny ..well played!!

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?