Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.

   Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I'm dating an animal :(

   Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.

   I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison.

   Kathy Griffins next show will be "What ever happened to..."

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?

   If anyone is going to be alone for Thanksgiving this year please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.

   We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

   One small step for man... One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

   After a Nation Wide Survey we have determined that there were actually 3% more Cleveland Indian fans than Cubs fans. We hereby demand that the Chicago Cubs relinquish their World Series Title!!! ..... Said no sane person ever.

   A very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.