Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

   Evidently that good samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   to all you women out there...slow down on the make up...nuttin worse than falling asleep next to a"beauty" and waking up next to a "beast"

   If you see a burrito running down the street screaming "RAPE", please return him to me. He is totally overreacting.

   "Are you an archaeologist? 'Cos I've just discovered a bone in my pants, and I was wondering if you could date it."

   Really classmate.com you're really gonna stay in business...even though Facebook does what you do for free?

   Norton Shores, Michigan - a teenage girl had her neck bit by the young man sitting in front of her during a screening of the new Twilight movie. So caught up, he committed to being a vampire. Don't even ask what happened when he saw Brokeback Mountain

   no officer, I was not texting...i was on facebook

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   People learn from history... which is why you should always delete it.

   your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your gods promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry

   ...Justin Bieber is new spokesperson for Proactiv. No wonder he has his hair combed forward. His forehead must look like Courtney Love's ass.

   just pondering the fact that Jeffrey Dahmer is really the only person whose bologna really did have a first name!

   happy to learn what bra color all my female friends are wearing today!

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   Congrats to Canada for winning Gold in hockey....but Nickleback and Justin Beiber and no Rush at the Closing Ceremonies?....I just lost all respect!

   Wondering if I buy those "Her Pleasure" condoms and turn them inside out if I will get all the pleasure instead of her.

   I was thinking....I bet airfare to Egypt is crazy cheap right about now. I've never seen the pyramids, are they still standing?? Oh never mind, they got no internet, I'M NOT GOING!!!