Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.

   Either I made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

   was talking with my neighbor when we saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said "Are you going to help?" I said No, six should be enough.

   Stop chasing him. Stop turn around and see who's chasing you

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up.

   It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

   Evidently that good samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   to all you women out there...slow down on the make up...nuttin worse than falling asleep next to a"beauty" and waking up next to a "beast"

   If you see a burrito running down the street screaming "RAPE", please return him to me. He is totally overreacting.

   Really classmate.com you're really gonna stay in business...even though Facebook does what you do for free?

   Norton Shores, Michigan - a teenage girl had her neck bit by the young man sitting in front of her during a screening of the new Twilight movie. So caught up, he committed to being a vampire. Don't even ask what happened when he saw Brokeback Mountain

   no officer, I was not texting...i was on facebook

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   People learn from history... which is why you should always delete it.

   your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your gods promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry

   ...Justin Bieber is new spokesperson for Proactiv. No wonder he has his hair combed forward. His forehead must look like Courtney Love's ass.

   just pondering the fact that Jeffrey Dahmer is really the only person whose bologna really did have a first name!