Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

   found out yesterday that Wii Bowling skills don't translate well into real life. Hopefully boxing will go better tonight.

   When gas stations start charging for air--that's inflation

   I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs

   It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.

   You sing in a local bar band. You are NOT a rock star!

   Instead of birthday notifications imagine if Facebook sent PMS notifications, so you'll know when to leave a girl the heck alone.

   Tomorrow's going to be great.....Discount candy.

   People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   fake freckles and pigtails doesnt necessarily make a 40 year old "barely legal"

   I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.

   According to chain messages, I should've died 18 times, been raped twice, been cut 10 times.

   I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.

   Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.

   Sleeping naked is good. Waking up next to that special someone is even better

   I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van