Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   You know what makes me smile? My face muscles.

   The weekend just logged me out due to inactivity.

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   You're as useless as the G in Lasagna

   A horse walks into a bar. "Too late," says the bartender, "we're joking about the pope now."

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   Harrison Fords plane crashed. I hope Chewbacca is okay.

   Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   does not take fashion advice from people who wear crocs