Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Birthday to YOU, Google. May this be the year you find what you've been searching for......

   How much horsepower does your horse have?

   All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut....

   My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.

   got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like this gun is magic.

   Why do men think women are so complicated ?? All you have to do is give us chocolate, tell us we're pretty, and assume everything we say is right

   I downloaded the sound of a toilet flushing and made it my ex's ringtone to remind me what a piece of s@#T he is.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.

   So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month... Please take a pic of your boobs in your favorite bra and post them on my page titled "Save These!" Thank you in advance for showing your support ;)

   I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   There is no biblical evidence that Jesus even knew how to parallel park. Letting him take the wheel seems a bit irresponsible.

   Neil Armstrong was the first "Human Being" to step foot on the moon. Did you know that Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"

   And for my next trick, I will turn your panties into ankle warmers.

   Did you know that you can't hum with ur nose plugged??

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.

   I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

   wondering why the police officers never seem to think it's as funny as you do...

   I remember passing gum in school was like drug dealing....