Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.

   So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month... Please take a pic of your boobs in your favorite bra and post them on my page titled "Save These!" Thank you in advance for showing your support ;)

   I like sleeping with deaf women because I can shout out any name I want to.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   There is no biblical evidence that Jesus even knew how to parallel park. Letting him take the wheel seems a bit irresponsible.

   Neil Armstrong was the first "Human Being" to step foot on the moon. Did you know that Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"

   And for my next trick, I will turn your panties into ankle warmers.

   Did you know that you can't hum with ur nose plugged??

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.

   I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

   wondering why the police officers never seem to think it's as funny as you do...

   I remember passing gum in school was like drug dealing....

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   If you were to start a summer camp for kids with ADHD, is it politically incorrect to call it a concentration camp?

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

   If lesbians hate men so much, then why do they all try to look like truck drivers?

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"