Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

   I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.