Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

   I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out)

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....

   Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money