Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night