Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?