Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.