Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world

   Dude, I'm not asking you to know pi to the 50th place, I'm asking you to know who's got right of way at a damn intersection!

   Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t..

   When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".

   heard Chaz Bono insisted he be paired with a female partner on "Dancing With The Stars" so ABC immediately went out and got Richard Simmons!

   why is it that people like to sit in the front seat of the car, but the back seat of the bus?

   Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

   Don't ever break a pinkie promise. That stuff is legit and legally binding.

   Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while driving.

   The only obstacle to following my dreams is the alarm clock...

   So what if we find out tha Charlie Sheen has been right all along, and the rest of us have been wrong?

   I would like an order of ambition, & a side of focus, and a large coffee. And could you super size that please? It really needs to last for the rest of the day.

   People know what tautology means or they don't.

   believes there are two great rules in life: 1.) Never tell everything at once.

   I think I might be coming down with a "woman cold", it's sorta like a "man cold", but somehow I can manage to clean, do laundry, and take care of myself.

   My eye's feel like they need a kickstand.

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.

   ♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.