Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   My browser just told me it blocked a pop up and I gave it a cookie.

   I find it odd that people say they are poor yet all family members have smart phones,laptops, hundreds channels on TV. Game consoles..

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.

   I'm going to decorate a valentines box and take it to work tomorrow. I'm not going to answer anyone's questions until they give me a valentine...

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   The first rule of Suspense Club is................

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   I ALWAYS cry after sex because I don't know when I'm getting it again.

   If I didn't have internet I'd be asleep 4hrs earlier every night!

   The only time sex should be taken off the table is if I am moving her to the counter instead

   I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   I've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I'm trying to calculate the odds.

   I think there are too many psychic mediums and not enough psychic extra larges..

   Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."