Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   The first rule of Suspense Club is................

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   I ALWAYS cry after sex because I don't know when I'm getting it again.

   If I didn't have internet I'd be asleep 4hrs earlier every night!

   The only time sex should be taken off the table is if I am moving her to the counter instead

   I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   I've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I'm trying to calculate the odds.

   I think there are too many psychic mediums and not enough psychic extra larges..

   Fellas, be with a woman who doesn't mind getting her hands and face all messy while eating chicken... trust me on this one

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."

   Restless leg syndrome. A syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than calling it wiggly bouncy legs.

   wonders.. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually mean duck?

   I wonder if all hot girls go through life believing that everyone is being genuinely nice to them all the time.

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   If diamonds are a girls best friend and a dog is mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

   I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.

   People who want happy endings have to write their own.