Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know sh*ts about to go down when someone says, "hold my beer & watch this",..

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   thinking i'm going to hand out pretzels and bruised apples for Halloween this year

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth!! Thank you!

   Meanwhile, at the BP command center ... *cricket* *Cricket*

   the Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert.Tonto hears something and drops to the ground with his ear to the dirt.After a few seconds he lifts his head "Buffalo come!"he says"how can you tell?"says the Lone Ranger"Face sticky "says Tonto

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I wish one night stands could be annulled.

   you wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch.

   Every man should carry a sharp knfife , a sharp pen and a sharp tongue but only a gentlemen knows whe to use them

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

   just had a near-work experience...

   My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER