Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Some things are really better left unsaid!

   making like a baby and heading out.

   MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice

   Pet Peeve #11: Bathroom Pictures. There's no other mirror in your place? Enough already!

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   Lord Voldemort is real evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen.

   Ahhh...STRESS!! Cafe mocha vodka valium latte to go PLEASE

   None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.

   thinking i'm going to hand out pretzels and bruised apples for Halloween this year

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth!! Thank you!

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   Meanwhile, at the BP command center ... *cricket* *Cricket*

   the Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert.Tonto hears something and drops to the ground with his ear to the dirt.After a few seconds he lifts his head "Buffalo come!"he says"how can you tell?"says the Lone Ranger"Face sticky "says Tonto

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I wish one night stands could be annulled.