Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...

   Fellaz, when a woman offers you gum, it means she want to kiss you later. Don't take it as an insult, just take the gum.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a person`s reason to change

   No one will be making fun of Chaz Bono, when Nancy Grace has a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars and her Johnson pops out.

   What you don't know won't hurt you, what you know will often hurt you, what you suspect will hurt you more and when what you suspect becomes what you know, it kills you without a doubt.

   Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''

   A dog ask a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"

   If the cops don't know about your man beating you, I shouldn't either.

   If at least one ex hasn't called you psycho, you aren't living life to the fullest.

   Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.

   Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.

   I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.

   As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God

   Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.

   Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than a fat person.

   I have been looking since 1986, and I still haven't found a highway to a danger zone.