Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   Beautiful is the woman who sees you as a king not a ticket to a free meal.

   So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart...

   Imagination: because if I we did you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.

   Airport security asked "what's the purpose of your visit?" So I said "to terrorise the ladies!" and we laughed and laughed and I'm being deported.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers

   so I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more...

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff... Still a better love story than Twilight.

   NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   I'll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I'm thinking to myself..."Umm...isn't that what real life is for?"

   Lately I've been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...