Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Five years investigating Trump’s taxes and Biden owes 500k. Lol

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .

   2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   if you are posting how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.