Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   all in all you're just another 'update' in the wall.

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.

   Best Relationship: Talk like bestfriends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil

   It's scary when the weatherman is the closest one on the news now to telling the truth now.

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Sometimes, you can just tell it's gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.

   We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...

   Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?

   My signature sex move is "right click," "save as."

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

   Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   A 'Baby On Board' sign, but for your whiny boyfriend.

   Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.