Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at "You f*cking weirdo" just before you shut your window curtains

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   had a GREAT FB status but Kanye West interrupted me...

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   When I'm depressed I cut myself.....................a piece of cake.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   Dear Santa, Don't bring me anything this year as I've got every thing I need. Tyrone, aged 7 from Baltimore

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   I'm not sure what in the hell MW3 stands for but unless it's Margarita Wednesdays for $3 I'm not interested

   Sometimes I open the fridge and stare at the contents for no reason at all, just like I do with Facebook.

   hoping for a Fergie Wardrobe Malfunction Today!!!

   Got a Valentine card in the mail today from my ex who wants me back. Sorry Verizon its not happening. You should try and move on without me.

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   I'm sure the sale of duck calls to the gay community will be on the decline...