Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.

   I am glad to say that even after all these years. I still follow Bell Biv Devoe's advice on not trusting a big butt and a smile

   I like to punish people who ask me how I'm doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.

   I think I may be getting harder to love.

   What's the difference between brown nosing and kissing ass? ...depth perception.

   Read Putin's Op-Ed in the New York Times. This crap would have been a lot more believable if after every paragraph he said "....Mr. Bond."

   Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   I bet Canadian cops play good cop better cop.

   somedays I could do without the life lesson!

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   When are Levi's going away with "Shrink to Fit jeans" to my style..."Stretched to Fit"?

   Ben Franklin invented the wood stove, bifocals, lightning rods, the odometer, was the first to map the gulf stream, the U.S. postal system, and electricity. All I'm saying: If Ben Franklin were alive today, Microsoft, Google, and Apple would be generics..

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle