Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After All.....To "Err" is human....But To "Argh" is Pirate!!!!!!!

   I bet Flava Flav HATES daylight savings time.

   it still a disorder if I only cut other people?

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   I'm not saying I abused my liver last night, but right now it's sitting under the running water of the shower & crying.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   Me: I'm so over her. Vodka: No you're not, you should text her. Me: Really? Vodka: Hell yes! 25 times.

   As far as distractions go ... I like to think I'm a good one.

   Now that the iPhone 5 is out, I'm starting to wonder if whether 2 kidneys are really all that necessary..

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   PSY does the gangnam style dance so much...don't you think he should've lost some weight by now?

   The most annoying sound = When a fly comes into your house and gets stuck in between the window and the blinds.

   Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

   I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

   It's not stalking if I shift my binoculars from your bedroom windows to the birds that are on your roof every 4 hours. That's bird watching