Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you think Kanye West is gonna get Kanye West for Valentine's Day this year?

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.

   Each year, hundreds of trees grow because squirrels forget where they buried their food.

   I like my sushi cooked medium rare,,,, and made from a cow.

   If you hand me a flyer in the streets there's 100% chance that I'll make a jet and aim it at the next bin. And miss.

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   If it wasn't for sex, I would have quit being a grown-up a long time ago.

   Thanksgiving is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and she'll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

   love and expectations are inversely proportional

   The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him

   writing a book. I've got all the pages numbered. Another productive Saturday night!

   Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!

   I don't care what anyone says...ice cream is a very important element to any healthy diet!!

   The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere

   figures the only thing worse than finding out that you were given up for adoption would be learning that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   why do strangers always have the best candy?