Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   I don't give a sh*t how many of my FB friends liked "Walmart" ur just not gonna convice me to hit that button!

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

   What kind of Leader says and does nothing about Nation Wide Riots?

   Manti Te'o should change his relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated"

   In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.

   Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   "‎"when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""

   Well I guess Caitlyn Jenner missed out on both Mother and Father's Day this year....