Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   used to sing like Justin Bieber...then I turned 4!!

   VOTE FOR PEDRO

   Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   If you think that a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you are just a Catholic

   Women are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like Open bars... I could really use a drink right now...

   I like to walk around my house naked... Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside.

   It's always awkward when you run into your ex with a car.

   came to work naked today because, yesterday my boss yelled: "I wanna see your a$$ in here by 8:00!"

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   Friend Requests are like a box of chocolate... you never know which are the nuts

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   Up against my facebook wall and spread em!

   You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

   No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it.

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"