Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to find a woman but then has a beer and a nap and it makes everything right again

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   Did a law pass that I don't know about which requires all minivans to go 15mph under the posted speed limit on AM freeways?

   just had my vision checked. My hindsight was 20/20. My foresight is legally blind

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   Harold Camping should star in Southwest Airlines next "Want To Get Away" commercial.

   i am in no shape to exercise

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party

   When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."

   Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.

   being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .

   I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.

   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

   Spongebob, it's been over 11 years. You're not getting your drivers license.

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.