Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear, when one radio station is playing commercials, EVERY radio station is playing commercials.

   Wishes life was like a Nintendo game, if you had a problem you just take it out and blow on it. And everything would be fine

   jaegermeister: its like running down the stairs on Xmas morning and then realizing your Jewish.

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.

   No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   It would be really convenient if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   When you were little it was "Stop, look, and listen before you cross the street." As you get older it's more like "I'm crossing the street now. If you hit me I will sue you."

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.

   Please hurry up with your story.. That I care absolutely nothing about... I'm afraid if I keep this fake smile on my face any longer, its guna get stuck this way.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Rocky Balboa

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.