Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!

   will not be making any Christmas related status updates until December

   Normal people are weird.

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key....

   I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...

   if we have walkie talkies then why are vacumes not call pushy suckies

   Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

   You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?

   just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   Great..now the lamest sports slogan ever WHO DAT will never die..