Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

   if you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!

   it makes me really sad that there is a man so old he can hardly move still having to work at the Rochester tolls. which is why I always offer him delicious treats that I keep stored in my car like skittles and chocolate in an attempt to make his day :)

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   gonna miss those cool New Years glasses where the two middle frames are the "O's"

   Would like to fist pump "The Situation" right in face!!

   n honor of vasectomy awareness, for the rest of the day, all men should post the color of their undergarments on their FB status. I'll start. Paisley

   For all you with "it's complicated" as your status, FB has a new, more truthful option. Because what you really want to say is, "In a relationship, until something better comes along, which shouldn't be too long cuz this dude is on my LAST friggin nerve!

   finally found out what a 'Snooki' is. I thought it was some great, new dessert everyone was talking about. To my disappointment, it's girl who looks like she's had way too many desserts.

   Thinks it would be completly acceptable to eat Taco Bell tacos today for lent because they don't contain REAL meat

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."

   Hoping the hurricane washes up jersey shore!

   Why does everyone insist on asking, "You ok?" after you hurt yourself? No I'm not f*cking OK. Can you not sense my agony?

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, "Sorry, what was your name again?"