Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Covering a beard with a face mask looks like a lady’s underwear commercial from 1972

   the UFOs are trying to look like stars...i am not fooled.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out

   Dear Humans, We have called off the apocalypse after realizing that there are no brains left. Sincerely, Zombies.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.

   I always thought that holding on was the strongest thing a person could do, now I see that it's letting go that takes an enormous amount of courage & strength

   Strategies' are like women…some come quickly…some take some work…and some can have multiple outcomes…However, sometimes it is best to take matters into your own hands…

   Some people treat their body like a temple. I treat mine like a cookie jar.

   Dam you Charlie Sheen, your making Danny Bonaduce look normal.

   Just watched 'Pan Am" ….. Now there's an example where the union seniority killed the industry, all those lovely stewardesses are now old flight attendants

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   Karaoke is always a great idea before the mic is placed in your hand

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D.

   before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET

   Happiness is'nt getting what you want, it is wanting what you've got

   I dont hate Mondays. I just cant stand the 24 hours they occupy.

   Bank of America credit card: $6,469.43, Citi credit card :$4,710.89, Chase credit card: $1,434.85... Figuring out that your Ex-Girlfriend wasn't the one.........................................................EXPENSIVE!!!! FML LOL