Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   12 years of the Patriot Act and now people are upset about Verizon?

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

   Dressing up for Halloween as a Kardashian. I'll be turning tricks for treats.

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   What's common between the sun and women's underwear? a) Both are hot b) Both look better while going down c) Both disappear by night.

   Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar

   does not understand why people say "if I won the lottery, I would still work"....im 100% sure I could find better things to do...especially when I'm rich

   How awkward do you think Prince William's stag is going to be when he realizes he's stuffing pictures of his Gran into a strippers thong?

   "A minute can seem such a long time . . . depending on which side of the bathroom door your on :)

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union speech: It sucks. We're broke. Quit bitching. Goodnight.

   ahh young Love. Full of promise, full of hope. Ignorant of reality

   doesn't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth like 12 points

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   Feels sorry for K-9 drug sniffin dogs on their day off.....what do you mean we're not going to work....you don't understand mannnnn.

   People will always have an opinion about you. Whether positive or negative. They will tell you to your face or behind your back. Do what makes you happy. Live your life to the fullest. Life is too short to worry about someone's opinions.

   since the world is ending on saturday you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late.

   Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?