Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…

   If Lance Armstrong and Oprah was ever to have a baby they would name it Dope-rah

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee

   If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

   When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

   The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

   Good Lord .... I find it ironic that the people are claiming that Trump will destroy America ..... While they go out and destroy America.

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship

   The best thing about this status is by the time you realize it's completely worthless it's too late for you to stop reading it. ;)

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how mad are you?

   I think it's pretty funny how ppl take pictures of them selfs in bathrooms and then post it on FB

   the monoply guy and the pringles guy look exactly the same have you noticed that?