Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just looking forward to the day when my kids are no longer teenagers and I'm not an idiot anymore.

   Attended a surprise party at work this afternoon. Fred was really surprised he was retiring.

   Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....

   Here's hoping Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

   Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

   Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   It's also amazing how someday, someone walks out of your life and you wonder how the hell you lived with them!!

   The F.C.C. has delayed the decision on the Time-Warner + Comcast merger. .....So, How do you think those folks like being put on HOLD ???

   Sleep with me so I can put my freezing feet on you and probably take all of the covers and use you as a pillow. - WOMEN

   It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

   Babe, You Remind of Barbie's Malibu Beach House,.. Everything is for Looks and Nothing Works!"

   A lot of mistakes, bad decisions, poor judgements, and total screw ups has led me to the right person in the right place at the right time.....

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorcing after 5 years of enslavement. I mean, marriage.