Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.

   Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   FISA documents being released. I suspect tissue sales are about to go up.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   If you feel "blessed" because you have a lot of stuff, you obviously don't understand the meaning of "blessed."

   Welcome to your 40's. You now yawn so hard, you shake.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Only 364 more days until Halloween!! I know, I know. I can't wait either.

   Bad Politicians are elected by Good People who DON'T VOTE!

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Just a deplorable trying to not get suicided by the clinton crime regime.

   people can cry and cry all they want about who won and who didn't but when you have a 50% voter turnout you have only yourself to blame.