Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.

   Don't you hate the uncomfortable feeling when you have a really bad cold and one nostril is stuffed up to no avail and the other nostril is so perfectly clear that when you breath in it feels like all the cool air goes straight to your brain.

   I feel sorry for the people that actually have Earthquakes today..

   How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed.    

   My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."

   hey Google, why don't you sit next to me during my exam?

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   I'm going to sign my gf up for Hoarders, she must have been saving her emotional and mental bullsh!t until we got together

   promises she's not stalking you... by the way you are out of milk

   scream in a Library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!?

   Glad Doc Brown no longer needs plutonium for his flux capacitor, ‘cause the Libyans are busy right now.

   there's something special about today....maybe its because I finally decided to shave my legs

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

   Don't you wish you called-in blind, just cause you can't see yourself at work today?

   You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit