Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came a long way in therapy with my weird obsession of using shapes and numbers, but yesterday I slipped up and now I'm back to square one.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   Props to our cat for getting excited about eating the same food EVERYDAY!

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.

   How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.

   My idea of multitasking is getting someone else to do it.

   Game of Thrones is totally going to win the "Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair in a Medieval Drama" Emmy this year.

   Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   Valentine's Day is for lovers. Or for people like us who will celebrate anything as long as there's slutty lingerie and saturated fats involved.

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.

   if your hot enough, being crazy won't effect luring a man in

   Why does everything at my house involve a battery that needs charging?

   Congratulations, you survived the Mayan Disaster. Please resume your life. Thank you.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.