Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know.... I have gotten some really great bathroom decorating tips from Facebook.

   If you start your day on a positive note, more than likely it will end in harmony..

   Wow.... There really is one born every minute.

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm going to be BAD this year and hope Santa brings me COAL!!!

   I absolutely hate when people pull onto a highway goin 5mph! Don't be surprised when you have a Ford symbol embedded in the back of your trunk a$$hole!

   so we took a poll. and just as I suspected, nobody likes you

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   Whenever I have a dream about someone, It's always awkward seeing them the next day.

   Looking for a dog house !! Must be at least 6' 2" long : (

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   Dude, you don't need to add 'I'm Just Sayin' to whatever you just said, since clearly you just said it. Just sayin.'

   I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   Worst Passwords of 2011 : "kimswedding" ... Too short & not strong enough.

   You Know They Cheating on you when the expiration date on the condoms you left magically changes from 7/2012 to 9/2013