Funny Status Messages

   at Camp Crystal Lake, getting drunk with her best friends and running around in her underwear, and holy crap did anyone else hear that noise?

   Just once I would like to begin my Christmas shopping before December 24th

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   Sometimes, the problem is your underwear.

   hi weekend! let me introduce you to my basement..........you're not going anywhere!

   convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   Dear Mother Nature, hey, thanks [sneezes] for choosing POLLEN for plant reproduction....no, really[sneezes]....the stuff is great.....

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   Political speeches are like bull horns. A point here. A point there. And a lot of bull in between.

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   Trump has been under investigation for two years. None of his enemies has committed suicide.

   Why is the Queen dressed like the guy who owned Curious George?

   Apocalypse Tip: When you become a Zombie, stay clear of Washington D.C, no brains will be found there.