Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always that one person you regret giving your number to.

   Dont study me,,,,you wont graduate!!

   The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.

   If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!

   You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   I think Wynonna has been "Snacking With The Stars".....

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Doesn't North Korea understand that these grand threats will result in a harsh musical rebuke from Toby Keith?

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

   The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.