Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson?

   Let's flip a coin, Heads I get Tail Tails I get Head!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up"

   hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.

   just won the Golden Globe for "Best status post, musical or comedy".

   Dear Santa.... All I want is access to that "bad boy's" list of yours.

   ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.

   Dilemma. Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.

   Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!

   Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.

   we need more fathers and less sperm donors

   you know your old when you teabag the toilet water.

   My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response

   I can't believe so many of my friends were close to Joan rivers...

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   A transgender wins women's lifting competition. Pathetic, that's not a woman.

   America doesn't have a gun problem, America has an idiot problem.

   There are three kinds of people: Those that agree with me, those that kinda agree with me...then there are those that are buried in the backyard ;)